So many lives are taken
in countries around the world
families are grieving
for the loss of their loved ones
Too may lives
too many long years
Will the violence ever cease?
I ask this question everyday
but I think the answer is no
All we can do is hope and pray
and maybe that will be enough
or maybe it won't
only time can tell
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello drama queen!
Okay, first of all, I like to do video critiques. It's generally easier for me, which is really awesome because I have no time for writing a proper critique. Sad, I know! Anyway, I got my sister, Sgt Salt, to join me. What we did was we read your poem out loud and then we commented on it. So! Here's the video critique!
http://revver.com/video/1348303/affilia ... e-of-wars/
If you can't see this, then just bug me and I'll do a proper critique. And, if you have any questions, as always, just drop me a PM and I'll try to answer it.
Thanks for the help. I'll try to fix them up.
Further to what CreepDan said, this poem needs some meat on its bones. Currently you are not telling us anything we did not already know and there is no imagery or literary device to speak of. There is nothing, to be blunt, that could not have been written by any other person on the planet.
We want to hear from you, specifically. You mention that you question whether violence would ever stop. Why? What does it mean for you? How does it impact your life? Failing that, can you involve the reader in some way so that he/she cares about the subject of the poem? Some people may disagree with me, but I have always felt that the purpose of poetry is to share and/or to illuminate. This poem does neither with any kind of effectiveness because it doesn't really *say* anything; all I get from it is that you, whoever you are, think about violence and wish it would stop. I am not engaged; my emotions are not stirred; I do not see violence in a new way.
In a sense, perhaps you could try treating the poem like an argument. You have to convince your reader of your feelings, and the reason for them, and (ultimately) make them understand and feel with you, even if they disagree with your premise. To do this you need to use all the tools at your disposal, and really focus on what you're trying to say and why. Next time, experiment with some metaphors and similes to expand your work and make it more interesting to the reader. You'll be surprised at the difference
I'd suggest adding more imagery to this. You mention the violence, but what is going on? Why exactly are the families grieving? Be specific. Families grieve for many reasons, ranging from the loss of a father to the loss of a pet. People lose loved ones for various reasons, from cancer to the car accidents to genocide, so to make the audience care about their plight you'll have to be more exact with what's going on.
As for format, I'd capitalize the first letter of every line and use proper punctuation. It looks cheap if you only have a few question marks in your poem and absolutely no other punctuation.